Legacy (aka Who Am I?)

Originally Written Between 2013-2015

This topic is one that I would normally spend many hours looking into my past and the people in my life who have handed down their beliefs, values, principles, ethics, and morals to me.  And those people, of course, would be my parents, grandparents, extended family, teachers and best friends.  I think we all have an influence – of some sort – on each other and while growing up, we make the choice of what route we will take.  And, I hope those beliefs and values that I have incorporated into my life would, of course, be passed on down to my children.

But, because my life this past week has been overwhelming – to say the least – with dealing with my aunt and uncle’s health issues and other problems that I won’t bore you with right now, I have not had the time to really delve into writing on this topic. And so, I’m going to read an article I wrote a couple of years ago that I believe will help me eventually write about my legacy.

How can I think about what I’d like to pass on to my family if I really don’t know who I am?  And so, I’ve decided to delve a little bit into me…. and see if I like “me” or not.  Sort of an encounter with one’s self – one’s self worth – one’s self esteem.  God’s greatest commandment is to “love your neighbor as yourself” – not better than yourself, or instead of yourself – but AS yourself.  So maybe LOVE is what we mean by self-esteem instead of pride and selfishness.  I have to look honestly at myself to obtain a greater understanding of who I am.  By admitting my weaknesses and faults, I will also see my strengths and talents and find that I am capable of loving and being loved.

What makes this so hard is that I am a unique individual.  There is no one exactly like me.  Therefore, the only person I can thoroughly discover is ME.  Each of us comes from different backgrounds, we’ve had different experiences and are at different levels of personal growth.  All of these factors influence a person’s encounter with self.  Who am I?  Am I the same person I was 10 years, 5 years or even 3 months ago?  No.  I am an every-changing person.

I find it difficult to look at myself – seeing my faults and looking for good qualities.  What if I don’t find any good qualities?  Then, I’ll confirm what I suspected all along – that I’m no good; which has been my attitude off and on for years.  

I’m a very complicated person.  I want to be loved but many times stay away from others or shut myself off from them.  I’m a woman who has many friends, but feels so alone at times.  I’m someone who loves children; but, at times turns away from my own when things aren’t going right for me.  I’m someone who is willing to help others; but, at times, neglects my own work around the house.  I’m someone who loves her husband dearly; but, at times, says mean things to him.  I’m someone who loves my sister and brother and wants and needs that close sibling relationship; but, at times I don’t reach out to them.

I have to accept me as I am.  I am a loving, caring, sharing, open person who knows that she is also stubborn, intolerable, bossy, and at times acts very stupid.  That’s me – take me or leave me.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that you are you, I am me.  I have that need to be me.  I have that right to be me.  And, only when I recognize, acknowledge, and accept who I am honestly, will I truly have encountered myself.

So.  I think I like being me.  Sure…. I’d like to get rid of a lot of wrinkles, lose the gray hair, be more athletic, be a size 10 again and be able to walk 5 blocks without getting winded.  But, those are physical attributes.  If I work at them, those things can be accomplished.  But, even if I don’t physically change, I still like “me.”  I don’t want to be anyone else.  I have to work on my faults and failings – and then, I’ll like myself even more.

I’d like to close with a poem I found a long time ago.  The author is unknown.  It’s entitled “Myself.”

I have to live with myself, and so,

I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able, as days go by,

always to look myself straight in the eye.

I don’t want to stand, with the setting sun,

And hate myself for the things I’ve done.

I want to go with my head erect.

I want to deserve all man’s respect.

For here in the struggle for fame and self,

I want to be able to like myself.

I don’t want to look at myself and know

that I’m bluster and bluff and an empty show.

I never can hide myself from me.

I see what others may never see.

I know what others may never know.

I can never fool myself, and so…

Whatever happens, I want to be

self-respecting and conscience free.