It's a Mystery to Me

Originally Written Between 2016-2017                                    

 

The very first thing I thought of when I heard this topic was Pepto Bismol.  You know - the pink stuff that cures diarrhea and constipation.  And that’s the mystery.  Diarrhea is the complete opposite of constipation.  So, when I swallow this awful tasting thick liquid, how does it know what it is supposed to cure?  What magic ingredients are in there to fix the current problem and not the other? I want to know.

 

Another mystery that comes to mind is whenever I go through airport security.  I want to know what happens to all the unopened bottles of water and the lotion, toothpaste, make-up, deodorant and other items that are all over three ounces?  While packing to fly home from Florida one year, I discovered a brand new extra-large bottle of suntan lotion tucked away on a shelf in the bathroom.  I quickly threw it in my carryon and went to the airport.  Sure enough…. the TSA people made me throw it in with the other “contraband.”  So, I repeat – what happened to my huge bottle of lotion?  Do the fellow TSA-er’s divie up everything at the end of their shift?

 

Well, I googled “What happens to the confiscated items?” and it gave the appropriate politically correct answers such as: thrown away, donations to schools and homeless shelters.  Just how many finger-nail clippers do kids need anyway?  And they emphasized that if a TSA employee is caught taking any confiscated material, they will be fired on the spot.  The “active” word is “caught.”  If they can’t find guns and knives while looking at the x-ray machine, who is really monitoring the employees who are taking my suntan lotion!

 

Speaking of airport security lines…. It’s a mystery to me why they don’t have a “female assist” person in every lane.  With my two hip replacements, I know the buzzer will always go off when I step through the x-ray screener.  I’m asked to step aside and place my feet on the outlines of a shoe and put my arms in the air.  Then, they yell, “FEMALE ASSIST!”  I look left and right for any female in a uniform.  Several times.  By the time one strolls over – ever so slowly – and carefully puts on her latex gloves, my arms are tired and I can’t move my feet.   She barks orders to me – “turn around,” “hands at your side,” and “I’m going to caress your entire body in front of this whole crowd of people.”  I’m way past embarrassment at this point and really don’t care what they do to me.  I scurry to grab my items from the bins and hope for an empty seat so I can put on my shoes.  I can’t believe that I’m saying this; but, I long to be 75 so I don’t have to take my shoes off any more when being screened.

 

Well, on to another mystery.  Which is:  Who gets to decide if someone is “elderly” or not?  Or “slender?”  Every day, I read the paper and see headlines such as, “Elderly Woman Hit by Stray Bullet.”  My eyes go to the body of the article, I find out that the elderly woman was 65 or 70 or 71.  Who determines at which age one could be called elderly?  I’ve never seen a headline that says, ”The fat, old, and bald writer of this article loved the new Guthrie play that opened last weekend.”

 

Just this morning on the front page of the Star Tribune is an article about what a mother is doing to help others who have lost a child.  There is a large colored picture of the mother above the fold.  The fourth paragraph starts out:  “The slender 67-year-old carefully set the desserts out for a room filling with people like her, who are mourning lost family members.”  Now, one can see from the picture that she is first – a woman.  Second, that she is not a large woman.  And, third, she looks like she is old enough to have an adult child since they give her son’s age in the article.  There is no need to say “slender” and there is no need to say her age.  Does being slender make her grief worse or less than one would feel if she were a “heavy” or “fat” woman?  This is not only a mystery to me – this really bugs me.

 

I’ll close with one more mystery to me (although I have many more – such as the political election this year).  Why does the price of gas go up when my gas tank is empty and why does it go down after I’ve filled up the tank?