Both Sides Now

Originally Written Between 2013-2015      

The year?  1959.  After a day of shopping in St. Paul, my grandma had just returned home to Forest Lake.  She was walking up her sidewalk when she had a stroke.  She was 72.  Her entire right side was paralyzed and she could not talk.  As a side note, my grandma was born on “All Saints Day,” she had her stroke on “Holy Thursday,” and she died on “Easter.”  This has absolutely nothing to do with my story – I just think it’s interesting.

 

Anyway, back to 1959.  My Grandma and Grandpa lived about a half a mile from my family.  Their huge bedroom was large enough to house a hospital bed for grandma, a twin-sized bed for grandpa, a table and several chairs for guests and a TV.  And that is where grandma stayed for the next 12 years.  Assisted-living homes were nonexistent in those days (at least in Forest Lake) and grandpa said that he would not allow grandma to be placed in a nursing home because he was very capable of taking care of her himself!  So there!

 

My grandparents were my mom’s mom and dad.  And, of course, my mom was involved in caring for her.  My older brother had just joined the Navy and my younger sister and I were at the terrible teenage years.  Besides trying to raise and keep track of us, mom worked every night at their roller rink and was involved in community and church events, the VFW Auxiliary, and produced a skating show every spring.  She was also writing a weekly newspaper column for the local paper.  While doing all of that, she cleaned my grandparents’ home every week, did their grocery shopping, made meals that grandpa could re-heat, did their laundry (especially loads of diapers – no adult pampers in those days!), sewed bed jackets for grandma so she would always be presentable if she had company, added lace and pretty ribbon to her pillows to make them pretty (nothing but white bed linens in those days) – to name just a few of the things she did for them on a daily basis.

 

I never heard mom complain.  I’m sure she did get frustrated and tired – very tired – with all that she did every day.  But, grandma was her MOM  - of course, she took care of her.  She planned every holiday celebration – from setting the table with grandma’s fine china and silverware to preparing the meals.  All of the relatives would chip in, of course, on that day – but thought nothing of maybe helping mom buy all the “presents” that were from my grandparents to the rest of us – or decorating the tree and then taking it down after the holiday.  Mom even planned birthday parties for my grandma and invited all of the neighbors.  She organized games such as BINGO with prizes for all and of course, hosted with a light lunch, and ice cream and birthday cake (that she made herself – no bakery cake for my grandma!). 

 

Yes, I have to admit that I really wasn’t much help.  I was in my own little world of going to school, being with my friends, roller skating, and then moving to St. Paul, working at 3M, getting married, and having two children during the 12 years my grandma was bedridden before she died in 1971.

That’s one side of my story.

 

Fast forward to the mid-1980’s.  My mom is in her early ‘70’s and had not had any huge health problems since giving birth all those many years ago.  But, her hips were hurting a lot and she was slowing down – just a little bit.  She ended up having both her hips replaced within a year.  My dad was her main caregiver.  She recuperated and all was well.  Until…… one day, she noticed blood in her urine.  After many tests and x-rays, she was told she had bladder cancer.  The tumor was removed.  She was fine.  However, after a few months, she learned that the cancer had metastasized to the outside of her bladder and, therefore, her bladder was also removed – leaving her with a bag that had to be changed on a regular basis.  My dad took care of that task.  Mom and Dad took care of each other for quite a few years.

 

And then the other side of my story kicks in.  My parents were slowing down.  Dad’s only problems were depression and poor eyesight from cataracts and glaucoma; but, from the neck down, he was a very healthy man.  Mom had her aches and pains from the neck down, but was always happy and only wore glasses to read the fine print.  They would joke that when mom would see a scrap of paper on the floor and point to it, dad would pick it up.  Between the two of them….. they had one complete body!  What a team.

 

But, then, my dad died.  And, mom needed more help.  For a couple of years, a home nurse would come in once a week to care for her various medical needs.  She hired a cleaning service.  She quote “voluntarily” gave up driving and sold her car.  Neighbors would pick up items from the grocery store for her but they were getting older and soon gave up driving themselves.  

 

Mom needed the kind of care that she had given her own mom.  My sister lived in Florida and could only give comfort and lots of advice over the phone.  My brother lived in Wisconsin but had just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease.  He and his wife, Melanie, came to Forest Lake quite often to take care of the yard, house repair and immediate laundry and grocery needs.  And since I lived only 25 minutes away, the majority of the care fell to me and my husband, Norm.  

 

And that was okay.  You see, my situation with my mom was almost the same as mom’s situation with grandma.  We both had children, a husband, our own home to keep up, jobs and many volunteering activities.  To combine all of that with doing the same thing for my mom was a challenge.  The decision to move mom closer to me was made.  We cleaned and got her home ready to be sold.  We had a garage sale.  We found her a nice apartment at Margaret’s Place.  There still wasn’t any assisted-living facility in Forest Lake at that time!

 

Mom made new friends and got involved in most of the activities.  I visited her 4-5 times a week and bought her groceries, did her laundry, took her to church and other events around town.  We went out to Forest Lake for the 4^th of July parade and festivities and also visited her friends several times during the year.  Mom lived at Margaret’s Place for only ten months before she died in February of 2003.

 

Now – fast forward again to 2010.  Norm and I don’t like to admit it, but we are slowing down, too.  Looks like it’s our turn now!  Our kids have noticed certain things are not done so quickly or smoothly as in years past.  They now offer (and sometimes, INSIST) to pick us up and take us to family events.  And, for the last 3 years after Thanksgiving dinner is done, they head for the basement and bring up all the boxes of Christmas decorations!  This year, I hope they get the hint to place the lights on our bushes in the back of the house.  They take the time to help us with our fancy-dancy electronics.  They buy and bring all the ingredients for a picnic barb-b-que.  They actually cook everything and ….. will wonders ever cease?  They clean up and do the dishes!

 

It’s come full circle – my mom caring for her mom.  Me caring for my mom.  And, now, the kids starting to care for me.  I am so grateful for my wonderful, caring family.