Who Am I?

 Originally Published Dec. 2012

A while back, we were assigned a topic called “Goals” and I was very tempted to ignore this week’s topic and just find what I wrote before and repeat it today.  But…..  I got to thinking.  How can I think about what I would like to be if I really don’t know who I am?  Maybe the “real me” is someone that is worth keeping and I don’t have to wish being someone else.

And so, I’ve decided to delve a little bit into me…. and see if I like “me” or not.  Sort of an encounter with one’s self – one’s self worth – one’s self esteem.  God’s greatest commandment is to “love your neighbor as yourself” – not better than yourself, or instead of yourself – but AS yourself.  So maybe LOVE is what we mean by self-esteem instead of pride and selfishness.  I have to look honestly at myself to obtain a greater understanding of who I am.  By admitting my weaknesses and faults, I will also see my strengths and talents and find that I am capable of loving and being loved.

What makes this so hard is that I am a unique individual.  There is no one exactly like me.  Therefore, the only person I can thoroughly discover is ME.  Each of us comes from different backgrounds, we’ve had different experiences and are at different levels of personal growth.  All of these factors influence a person’s encounter with self.  Who am I?  Am I the same person I was 10 years, 5 years or even 3 months ago?  No.  I am an every-changing person.

I found it difficult to look at myself – seeing my faults and looking for good qualities.  What if I don’t find any good qualities?  Then, I’ll confirm what I suspected all along – that I’m no good; which has been my attitude off and on for years.  

I’m a very complicated person.  I want to be loved but many times stay away from others or shut myself off from them.  I’m a woman who has many friends, but feel so alone at times.  I’m someone who loves children; but, at times turns away from my own when things aren’t going right for me.  I’m someone who is willing to help others; but, at times, neglects my own work around the house.  I’m someone who loves her husband dearly; but, at times, says mean things to him.  I’m someone who loves my sister and brother and wants and needs that close sibling relationship; but, at times I don’t reach out to them.

I have to accept me as I am.  I am a loving, caring, sharing, open person who knows that she is also stubborn, intolerable, bossy, and at times acts very stupid.  That’s me – take me or leave me.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that you are you, I am me.  I have that need to be me.  I have that right to be me.  And, only when I recognize, acknowledge, and accept who I am honestly, will I truly have encountered myself.

So.  I think I like being me.  Sure…. I’d like to get rid of a lot of wrinkles, lose the gray hair, be more athletic, be a size 10 again and be able to walk 5 blocks without getting winded.  But, those are physical attributes.  If I work at them, those things can be accomplished.  But, even if I don’t physically change, I still like “me.”  I don’t want to be anyone else.  I have to work on my faults and failings – and then, I’ll like myself even more.

I’d like to close with a poem I found a long time ago.  The author is unknown.  It’s entitled “Myself.”

I have to live with myself, and so,

I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able, as days go by,

always to look myself straight in the eye.

I don’t want to stand, with the setting sun,

And hate myself for the things I’ve done.

I want to go with my head erect.

I want to deserve all man’s respect.

For here in the struggle for fame and self,

I want to be able to like myself.

I don’t want to look at myself and know

that I’m bluster and bluff and an empty show.

I never can hide myself from me.

I see what others may never see.

I know what others may never know.

I can never fool myself, and so…

Whatever happens, I want to be

self-respecting and conscience free.