Litte Things Mean A Lot

 Originally Published Dec. 2012

(This is part of a “talk” that I wrote for one of our Marriage Encounter meetings.  It was written in February 1987.)

You all have met and probably feel you know my parents since I talk about them a lot.  They haven’t made a Marriage Encounter, but I know they’ve gone through all the various stages of marriage many times – Encountering with Self; Illusion, Disillusion and Joy; Symptoms of Spiritual Divorce; Subjects for Understanding (Rejection, Tolerance, Acceptance and Empathy); Confidence and Dialog; Sexuality; Marriage Spirituality; and being Open and Apostolic.  These are fancy names for what they have called “living a marriage” for over 46 years.

Growing up, I remember Dad as the king of the household and Mom as the loving wife – but one who was treated as an equal in the days when women were thought of as servants.  My home life was one of lots of love shown to each other.  While growing up, I can’t remember an evening that went by that my Mom and Dad didn’t joke, hug, kiss, and giggle in front of us kids just before supper.  At night, I could hear them downstairs telling each other “I love you.”  They would always go to bed together and their whisperings and giggles would give me a secure feeling.  They had fun together – always a smile or a knowing wink to one another that meant something to only the two of them.

They are very “feeling”-type people and I can still picture Dad giving Mom a pat on her behind every time she walked by him and always her response of “stop that” which meant, of course, “do it again.”

Mom is always big on remembering people with cards and phone calls and telling people she cares.  She spends hours selecting just the right card and gift for others and since she’s so good at it, Dad is very happy to get out of that chore.  There are times, however, when he does have to buy her a gift.  But, on their 25^th wedding anniversary, Dad blew it!  He decided to go practical instead of romantic and got her something she really needed – an electric can opener.  

I’m really surprised they continued to stay married after that year; but, he made up for it a few months later.  It was her birthday and I decided I’d better call Dad to remind him and suggest that just maybe, a dozen roses were in order.  He said, “Don’t worry – I’ve already bought her a present.  In fact, I’m having it sent to your house so you could wrap it – and oh, yes, you can look in the box.”  Well, of course, I did.  I pulled out a beautiful mink stole.  It took him over 25 years; but, he learned!

I’m sure they have fights or arguments and I know Mom gets angry at times when Dad can’t hear her and she has to yell all the time and Dad must get angry when she talks all the time; but, they don’t dwell on it – or let themselves remain angry for very long.  They know that life is too short to hold a grudge.  This is something I wish I could keep telling myself.  Sometimes, a little habit of Norm’s can be just that – little.  But, I keep thinking about it and add other little habits to it – until I’m so angry.  Poor Norm -  he doesn’t even know why!  But I don’t think that Mom and Dad have ever done that – they forgive and forget (I may forgive – but I never forget).

My Mom’s illnesses this last year have helped not only my Mom and Dad, but I think our families, realize how short life is and how important we are to each other.  My Dad, for example suffers from depression and until Mom got sick, we all thought that Dad was going to be the first to go and that Mom would always be there.  Well, God may have a different plan in mind – we just can’t predict the future.  But, it’s made Dad realize that someone needs him rather than he always needing the love, understanding, and care that he had received before.  Instead of dwelling on himself, he has someone else to think about.  

He helps out – does all the dishes, cooks, washes the floor, buys groceries and many other things that Mom simply cannot do anymore.  I marvel at how the “littlest” things can just join them together and make them one; such as their little joke about how Dad says he makes the best coffee in the world when they both know that Mom gets the pot all ready the night before and all Dad does is turn the switch on in the morning!  Or, when he’s changing her bag and washes his hands – he’ll come into the room, arms and hands raised like a surgeon, and says, “Don’t touch me, I’m sterile.”  She calls him “doctor” and he threatens to stop making house calls.  

They are always laughing with the almost ½ a century supply of jokes known only to the two of them.  I, again, marvel at that ability to not take life so seriously and just enjoy.  When Norm and I are not in sync with one another, no amount of joking or remembering the good times will get me to laugh.  Now I know it’s not worth the time and energy to spend on being made.  Again, life is too short and I’m going to make a conscious effort to remember that.

I’m going to close with a story about how my parents constantly show each other that they care and love each other very much.  Last Wednesday, my Mom had to be at the hospital at 9:00 for what we hope, will be her very last surgery.  Mom had spent the last couple of weeks again doing for others – having lunches with her friends – entertaining various sets of relatives and always keeping an attitude of “this is just a little setback – I’ll be back before you know it!”  Dad, also, spent the weeks doing all he could to get Mom to the right doctor appointments, caring for her needs and keeping her spirits up.  He showed his love for her by planning a “get away weekend” where they spent a Saturday and a Sunday in St. Paul enjoying the Winter Carnival events and getting lost in the Skyway system!

Anyway, that morning, as Dad went out to get the car out of the garage, Mom proceeded to lock up the house.  The very last thing she did was to place a Valentine on Dad’s pillow – so he would see it when he returned home that evening after her surgery.  That mother of mine!  She is always thinking of others – even when she should be thinking of herself!  Her only thought was of Dad – to let him know that she loves him.

This is a true love story.