Kitchen and Other Bloopers

Originally Published 2012

Picture me on my very first cruise:  Walking to my lounge chair next to the salt-water pool.  Taking in the various shapes and sizes of my fellow cruisers.  Smiling at everyone – because I am happy.  I am on vacation.  And, I get to do what I do best – which is: sitting by the pool, drinking margaritas, and reading a ton of novels.  What a life.  

Well, my first day at sea, I’m just looking around, enjoying the wonderful sunny weather and all of a sudden, I see this beautiful blond woman strolling around the pool.  My goodness, she was gorgeous.  And, what a stunning outfit!  She must have spent a fortune on her clothes.  All of a sudden, I notice that the price tags were still hanging from her back zipper.  I thought, “oh, the poor thing.”  I should tell her.  I know I would want to know if I had forgotten to take off my tags.  How embarrassing.

So, I got out of my chair and walked ever-so-slowly to her … ending up next to her.  I whispered in her ear, “I hate to tell you, but you still have the store tags on your blouse.”  She turned and faced me, smiling…. And said, “I know.  I’m a model and I’m in the middle of a fashion show featuring the clothes for sale in the boutique on the ship.”

What did I do?  Well, of course, I bought the blouse!  No, actually, I quickly ran back to my chair, gathered my book and sunscreen, and hightailed it out of there.

Now, that’s not the first (nor the last) time I have embarrassed myself.  Many of my bloopers have occurred in the kitchen.  I remember when I was about seven years old, my grandma was visiting my mom and me.  Mom had just made a strawberry shortcake.  I begged her to let me spray the Reddi Whip onto the dessert.  Mom consented and I asked grandma to hold her plate up.  I then proceeded to spray the Reddi Whip not only onto the cake, but the valve got stuck and I sprayed grandma –somehow my arm just went up and down – several times – the entire front of her body.  I couldn’t stop!  I can still see the look of shock and horror on grandma’s face!

Another kitchen blooper involved my sister, Joanne.  She was newly married and living in Ithaca, New York.  Now, my mom made the best homemade vegetable soup. Joanne wanted the recipe so she could make some for her brand-new husband.  She called mom and got the recipe:  Place a soup bone in a couple quarts of water and add celery tops, tomatoes, all sorts of spices, etc. etc.  After a couple of hours simmering on the stove, pour into a colander to separate the bone and other ingredients and place the broth back on the stove and add cut-up potatoes, carrots, onions, and so forth.

So, after a couple of hours passed, Joanne dutifully poured the contents into the colander…… all… down…. the…. drain!  She forgot to put a bowl under the colander to catch the liquid.  Of course, she blamed it all on our mother who didn’t mention that important step when she gave Joanne the recipe.

I’m going to close with just a couple more embarrassing episodes that happened to me.  They both happened just a couple of months ago.

I was meeting three other girlfriends for lunch at Applebee’s at Northtown.  Carole, Diane, Kathy and I have been friends since kindergarden and in fact, we have been the “committee of four” that have planned our class reunions for the past ummmm, shall I say, “several” years.  Well, we have a really huge reunion coming up in September and decided that we should probably get serious and start working on it and so we were meeting for lunch.  

Anyway, not knowing whether or not I was the first to arrive, I glanced around the restaurant to find my friends.  Suddenly, I saw a woman waving at me in the back of the room.  I waved back and walked over to the table.  She didn’t look all that familiar to me; but, I just figured Carole had invited another classmate to join us.  We hugged and said, “gee, it’s good to see you again.”  I still couldn’t place her, however.

Then, another woman walked towards us.  She was slender, blond, and had on a baby blue sweater.  Now, my friend, Diane, is slender, blond, and ALWAYS wears blue.  I didn’t take a good look at her but as she walked closer, I thought…. That isn’t Diane.  But, we hugged anyway, and we all sat down.  

Finally, I said.  You know – I don’t think I know either of you.  They both looked at me and admitted that they didn’t know me either – but, that I sure looked like their old friend, Linda.  So, I started to get up from the table when the real Diane came in.  We then took the table next to them and all had a good laugh.  After lunch, we did promise to “stay in touch.”  I’ll probably add them to my Christmas card list.

My last blooper involves Facebook.  Somehow, a few months ago, my daughter-in-law sent me a Facebook message and asked me to be her “friend.”  Not wanting to harm the wonderful relationship I have with Aida, I clicked “yes.”  After that, a few more relatives and friends asked me to be their friend and I clicked “yes.”  That’s all I’ve ever done.  Almost every day, I get an email from Facebook that tells he that I have four pending messages.  So, I click on the messages and 100% of the time, my “friend” isn’t writing to me – he or she just says that they are going to a concert or have the flu or just cleaned out their closet and wanted to share that bit of news with the entire world.  So, mostly I just click myself out of Facebook and go on with my life.

But, one day, I clicked on a message from my friend, Steph, and read the following message to her on her Facebook page:  “I’m so sorry to hear about your mother’s passing.  My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time.”

Oh, my goodness!  I knew that Steph’s mother was going in for some surgery and wasn’t in the best of health.  I felt so bad for her.  Why didn’t she tell me?  Well, maybe it happened so fast that Facebook was the easiest way, I guess.

Anyway, I quickly picked up the phone and called Steph at work.  She answered and I said, “Oh, Steph, I’m so sorry.  I didn’t know.”  She then said, “sorry about what?”

 “Well, about your mom, of course.”

“What about my mom?”

“ahhhhhhh….. she died????”

Well, Steph’s mom was fine – she was recovering beautifully from her surgery – and in great health.  Turns out, what I had read was really Steph sending a message to another friend of hers that had lost her mother.  And, evidently, the entire world sees every single thing you write.  Whether it was meant for you or not.

I now want to close out my Facebook account.  But, I don’t know how.  And, being the people-pleaser that I am, I don’t want any of my Facebook Friends to think I don’t like them any more.  I guess I’ll just stay connected – just so I can write another story about my embarrassing moments and bloopers.